Birthday musings; What do you really want?

If Elizabeth were a flower in the garden, she would be a bleeding heart, delicate with startling details, a jewel among the ordinary; a rose, blooming with sweet, sugary and all spicy nectaries, bees buzzing around….a purple hibiscus kind. 

She makes broken look beautiful. She likes to think of herself as perseverant; that even though God was seemingly silent to her request for many years, she never stopped praying. She never doubted God amidst the test but she was angry and many times complaining. She has been provoked and mocked about things beyond her control. But she held steadfastly unto her Lord and in due time, the Lord remembered her and her request were granted.

I love the sound of the rain on the roof. I love the beach. I love walking in the woods,(like in the movies). I love my coffee. I love books and reading. I love my heels and once in a while going out to catch a film. I love solitude, and I lalalala…love my time with God. 

Now, I will be turning sweet 16 for many years now and the other day, I was just at my place going through old journals and having a reflection.

What is it that drives me? What do I really want and what does God want for me?

You see, I was seized by the fear that my own will may be granted place and in essence ruining my usableness for God. Because, I realized that it is very easy to follow my feelings which sometimes is very capable of interfering the voice of God when He says “This is the way, ye walk in it.” I mean, I wanted to be loved too, nothing unusual about that.  But deep down, through old journals, I realized that this girl wanted something deeper and among all the foolishness she jotted down in her diary, there was an honest to God longing for a “Fixed Heart”. The heart is a wellspring of life and out of its abundance the mouth speaks.  Has that heart been fully fixed? Not yet. But for sure, the potter is working every moment with every experience to make that heart learn to focus in Him. Teaching her that no matter the feelings in there- it’s only until the will and those affections are brought under the authority of Christ shall we then begin to understand, let alone accept the Lordship of Jesus. That as the cross permeates our love life, then will it reveal the truth in the heart.

Then, we will begin to count it all joy when go through various kind of trials because, if like the boy with two fishes and 5 loaves analogy, we appreciate that God breaks us so that multitude  can be fed through our encouragements as they look up to Him for healing and redemption.

You see, every stage of life has its joys and beauty. However, problem begins when we make up our minds on what gives us happiness and decide that if we don’t get exactly that, then God doesn’t love us!!!

Just remember, it costs something to follow the way of the Cross. When the will of God crosses the will of man, it is no doubt that somebody has to “die” little deaths- occasions when we are given a chance to say no to self and yes to God. We die so that we may live and not be dead.

I have learnt that the word of God taken in the right spirit pretty much changes everything. Taken in the right spirit, even loneliness contributes to maturation of character, endurance of separation, silent treatment from people you care deeply about and even more the uncertainty in the process helps build a steady hope. When convinced that absolutely nothing can separate you from the LOVE of God, not even the matters of the heart; you begin to enjoy life and living with the deathbed mentality- in the moment.

Not even when that man you got your eye on doesn’t glance your way, or that crush ignores you and your head is furiously throbbing like a cobra with a puffed head ready to disgorge its venom, or that one phone call you will die to have is not forthcoming, for amidst trials and hardships, we win with overwhelmingly victory.

All in all, there were times when I bit off more than I could chew, ate it up and spit it out.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried. Had my fill and share of losing but as tears subsided, I found it all amusing to even think I did all that. Either way, I faced it all and stood tall and did it my way, God at the Center.

Happy birthday to me and all the August babies!

Love

Sister keeper