Single, Saved…But Lord Help me be Satisfied

Dear beloved,
I know for sure that being single isn't something most people will plan for. Naturally, we crave attention and love. So when in that season or realize that you might have been called to celibacy, many questions linger on. You wonder why sometimes God doesn’t give us what we want. Does He even love us? Why does He bless most of our friends with the very thing we would die for?

You feel abandoned. Lonely. Sometimes jealous. Contentment becomes foreign and far-fetched. On the good days – you go for missions and do amazing things to propagate kingdom interest and self. Hiking, horse riding, road trip, you name them. Other times you do investments, go for vacation or just throw a BBQ at the backyard gazebo. Sometimes you get over it. But other times the emotions prowling in the dark corners overwhelm - like when you get five wedding invitations in a span of a month from close people- it happens.

Singles respond differently. Others take it harder than others. Like one single friend who had visitors at her place. The single brother was among the early birds to arrive for a get-together and so was privileged to sample the said good friends’ delicacy beforehand. On complimenting her about her culinary prowess, you wouldn’t expect the fire she shot back. ‘Trina, your cooking is awesome,” the brother had said innocently. “I know or you thought as a single woman I don’t know how to cook? Yeah, we cook, and so you know, we also can buy cookers and fit them in our kitchens!” she retorted. The awkwardness that ensued…woii. Lord have mercy. All was grave quiet expect for sympathy written on our face for the young man. It hadn’t occurred to me that some of us really take singlehood that hard. The girl was seriously bitter and a simple complement was the jab she needed to spit fire and brimstone. Many of us are an emotional mess. And we think it's impossible to feel any differently about being single — to trade the anger, loneliness, the longing for the joy of the Lord.

So here you are single, saved but praying—Lord help me to be satisfied

Few things you need to bear in mind from a sister who has been there or probably is there:

• You may actually never get married; one area that we can only hope for is this. There are no guarantees that you will get married. It’s a gift and the same way God chooses to gift others for marriage, He may choose you for Himself. It is a harsh reality especially when you already have your wedding picturesque and theme colors all set in your dream book except the image of the groom. However, letting this possibility sink helps in dealing with the pain of potential loss of a dream and clarity to look at life from a different spectrum.
• It’s possible to find contentment in singlehood. How? Sadly, most of us have been made to believe that for contentment to happen, we must get married, or rid self of any desire to ever be married. Not true. The secret is finding completeness in Christ so that when the discontentment comes, you are able to find confidence in Him. Being content will not remove your desires. Like a clock hand moving, you can be content today as a single and still want to get married tomorrow. It is okay. That shouldn’t worry you. Christ our example was content about going to the cross to do the Fathers will, but at Gethsemane when He prays for the Father to take His cup if it pleases, we realize that He didn't really want to go. However, because He purposed to do the Father's will, that desire surpassed all else. Contentment is sometimes wanting to let the cup pass but saying “Yet not my will but Yours Lord”. Is it easy? No.
• Contentment is more of a decision. It is not a feeling. It's willpower to be gratified with what God has given you today even when your heart wants more. And yes, it's possible to be content in your single state and finding satisfaction in Christ. “For in Him, all the fullness of Deity dwells in the bodily form…and in Him you have been made complete” (Colossians 2:9-10).
• Marriage isn’t a superior state over singleness - it's just different. The attitude you carry when single affect your marriage in a big way. If you feel not satisfied as a Single, Marriage will not make you merrier. Marriage doesn’t fill a void and your dissatisfaction will not be met by a man or woman. Married life I suppose has wonderful blessings and unique challenges, but isn’t better than being single – it’s just different in terms of set new blessing and challenges presented.
• Make use of your “yes” spontaneity. You know why, you have what it takes to change your attitude towards singlehood. As single, it’s so easy to say “yes” to coffee, a two weeks mission across your national frontier, a movie down town or even a sleep over and social hangout etc. Something a married person will not even think of under normal circumstances. Girl, enjoy your “yes’ spontaneity. 

Keep positive and just know; if you think your married friends are better off, that God has forgotten about you, I guarantee you'll be miserable. If you choose to believe that you are where God wants you to be, marriage doesn't bring ultimate satisfaction and that being unattached isn't an insignia of dishonor, your emotions will be healed.

Enjoy it darling…gracia     

                                  

Love

Sisters’ Keeper!

#TrippleS116

Single, Saved and Looking…Are your expectations Realistic?

Dear lady, 

Ready to mingle?  That brother may probably be clueless about where he wants to go

Most mature Christian ladies know what they want in life. They know when they are ready to start a family of their own. Most of them have an outline of their life and so will tend to look for a man who knows, or at least has a vague idea as to where he is heading. It is good by all means to have a plan of how the future is gonna look like but at the end, like Solomon, we shall say “Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is God who establishes them” (Proverbs 19:21).  

Why I say this is the fact that most great men we read of in the Bible had seasons where they were clueless as to where they were heading.  I imagine Joseph, working as a male servant in Potiphar’s house had no clue how he was going to get to the high position God had revealed to him he would occupy. Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of David; tending sheep in the bush but deep down knowing he had been anointed king in place of Saul. His current situation was not anything close to what he envisioned. However, the ‘how’ of getting to the throne is something that he couldn’t figure out. He could only be faithful, obedient and trust that God was leading him through his daily encounters to that future of majestic reign. 

In the same way, as you are single, saved and looking to meet your other half or rib, my two cents is, be careful not to shove a brother aside because he seems clueless on where he is going. He may be in a wilderness season, tending sheep, but his future is great. Let his vision help you discern if you two have the potential of building a home together. 

Can you imagine David trying to propose to a woman in our generation? Some writer came up with this hilarious but painfully true picture of reality.

David: “Look babe…you know that I really care about you and want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you.”

Girl: That’s right.

David: As a matter of fact, I’ve just been anointed King…

Girl: Wow, I like where this is going.

David: …buuutttt I’m kinda living in the bushes right now looking after my dad’s sheep. I am also on the run from the King I’m supposed to replace. He wants to kill me but I have faith God will deliver me.”

Girl:  Oooh, I see.

David: Baby, will you marry me?

Girl:…

It would definitely be hard for such a man to convince a woman to marry him today. However, as we wait and look for him, it’s important to remember that God’s men don’t  ‘always’ have a direction or know the details per se. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)In the same way that faith helps us to see things that are not as if they were, we ought to stop looking for men who have it all figured out! That’s faith.

This is not suggesting that you settle for any Harry who still lives in his mother’s house and has no plan whatsoever for his life but rather, Look for a man who can be LED by God (Romans 8:14). This is one who has his plans set but is ready to follow directions from the best architect —God.

As you  look, watch out on your expectations towards that marriage altogether.

Remember:

·         The same way you are looking for a Boaz ,that brother who is praying for a Ruth is also watching out for a Delilah. Let your testimony bear witness that you are a daughter who delights in the law of her heavenly father and walks in His precepts. They look out for the testimony of the woman’s character. You are the light of the world…so let you light so shine that people may see and glorify your father in Heaven (Matthew 5: 14-16). Your character determines who you attract.

·         Be ready to be led(by God and submit to man) if settling down is what you are looking for. Even the most uncultured man born in the desert of Kalahari before the invention of modernity knows inwardly that they have been born to take a leading role at home. 

·         Many young, married Christian women are just painting a fairy tale picture of marriage to their single ladies friends on social media. Wanting you to see how dreamy, seemingly perfect and glamorous marriage is through the filtered pix on Instagram. Consequence.You end up waiting for perfection. Very few will sit you down and talk about the significance of a praying wife, a strong wife, a submissive wife (to a Godly man) and how, contrary to popular view, the faith of a wife is a strong weapon for the family. (Refer to the movie ‘WAR ROOM’)

·         That man knows a wedding is one day event but marriage is a full time engagement. He knows that wedding isn’t marriage and doesn’t want to create an impression he can’t maintain. A glamorous wedding doesn’t imply a glamorous marriage.

Wishing all my readers that are in the process of looking or being looked well.

Love

Sisters’ Keeper

TrippleS115

Celibacy…the struggle is real

Born again or not, single or married, the sexual drive forms an intrinsic part of our life we have to deal with— in the right way.

Sex is perhaps one of the most fascinating aspects of human gratification. So powerful is it that when indulged in outside of the correct healthy confines, it can impair our judgment and cause us to make decisions detrimental to ourselves. Today, the wild drive for sexual gratification has wrecked marriages, toppled empires, scuttled political careers, and squandered untold fortunes. 

Celibacy isn’t just about sex and the wait. However, sex is integral to the package that encompasses the holistic and total living for God in every season. We live in a generation where sex is engrained in every aspect of life; A society where the Fifty Shades of Grey series has sold millions of copies and the corresponding movies raked in way over a million dollars in the Box office. Music in a matatu is no exception because all we see is nakedness and erotic videos while dancers are bending over…It is no longer strange to hear people publicly declare that they are into threesomes or love highend strip casinos. What is strange is you, trying to advocate for waiting and championing celibacy.

As singles, we have heard over and over again the need to pursue purity (sexual purity) but no one ever tells us how to deal with the sex drive. Worse still is the presupposition that women mostly suffer emotionally but hardly struggle physically; that physical sexual urges are a struggle for the boy child alone. 

The celibate way of life is not easy. What makes it more painful is the confusion around it. How do you let your entire system get that it will not receive that sexual need yet as sexual beings our bodies are wired to want and be gratified sexually?  It’s perplexing; a thought that brings us to that vulnerable point when it gets difficult to trust God. To trust that He gave us those urges but also trust that we aren’t missing out. Sadly, in some seasons, cocooned in that dark and frightening place of uncertainty about what to do with the emotions welling inside – I and others I speak for feel forgotten by God. We feel betrayed, in a way, but mostly confused.

You see, when we suffer hunger pangs, we often reach out for food,- even unconsciously. Jesus asks us to pray for our daily bread too in the Lord’s Prayer. But with celibacy, God is kinda teaching me to be conscious of the hunger and know that for now, I can’t reach out for that food as I would some grapes in the fridge when my stomach growls. It is painful when you know that some days you will wake up hungry but the Father says, daughter, even today, there is no daily bread for this hunger yet. That whenever I am hungry for this food, He wants me not to go out and reach for the food but trust Him for either food later or even still, no food at all. He reminds me that it’s a narrow path full of uncertainty but hope affirmed through faith. That actually, He doesn’t guarantee that this hunger will ever be satisfied. He just wants trust.  Trust me I understand you. I understand that there is some pain in watching your friends be fed with the very thing you feel like you need the most.  There is agonizing pain in waking up each day with the knowledge that today there will be no daily bread for this hunger; sitting, feeling as though you are starving to death. Sometimes, you listen to your married friends explain how eating is overrated but deep down you know they don’t get it.

I have learnt through the process, I still am, that sexual integrity for us is a wonderful experience of both sanctification and suffering. We share in Christ’s suffering by saying no to the norms of the world. “I want to know Christ--yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death”, Philippians 3:10. This is my 2017 theme by the way, “that I may know Him more and the power of His resurrection”.

It is a sanctification experience because as we battle to put to death sin and to live wholly for Christ, we learn to entrust Him with every aspect of our lives. We get totally sold out and in essence grow to be like Him. (1 Pet. 1:6–9.) It is equally suffering, since we are resisting the alluring desire of sin and temptation, a resistance our body doesn’t quite understand. We accept to be mocked for Him and also to be misunderstood for His sake. However, we rejoice in the fact that it is a trial common to all and an inevitable reality of living in a fallen world. (1 Cor. 10:13–14.)

Is it possible then to control our sexual desires?

Well, the standard has been set. “But among you must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity … because these are improper for God's holy people (Eph. 5:3). But again, as long as we have a sinful nature, we'll continue to struggle with sin. It will always pop up, single or otherwise. And that's why we need a Savior. Society tells us that we are incomplete without a partner. They tell us that sex outside marriage is a norm; that it’s biological and restraining from it is damaging. End result: singles feel odd to be celibate.

The church too manures singles’ confusion on celibacy. How? Sexual temptation can’t be resisted, so they say marry and don’t burn with passion. Equally, get married for you to be happy and if you are called to be celibate, God will remove your romantic desires. End product: a single feels like a failure for not having a spouse or the gift of celibacy, thanks to the unending, fleshly roller-coaster.

I know it is hard being single and celibate darling. But you can count on God's grace to help you develop self-control and self-discipline to resist or avoid temptation. Let’s ask Him to help us. "We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin" (Heb. 4:15-16).

P/s: What have you found hardest about living a single life? How have you learned to live it well if you have? Drop me an email at adisawriteupsexplore@gmail.com

 

I’d love to hear your stories as I gain courage to share mine!

Much love

Sisters’ Keeper!

#TrippleS113