Dating with a purpose… & of Confusion of Intentionality

You see, two people coming together is a beautiful thing, but so is one person standing boldly in their purpose. So I throw this question, single or not, what is your purpose? What really drives you in everyday life?  Asking this question is very important for a purposeful dating...

Some years back, I remember having a conversation that went something like this,

Me: Hey, guess what, I met a guy!😍😍😍

My best friend,: oooh,oooh, finally; I am coming over, I just need to kinda hear it as you say girl😉😉😉( I was super thrilled about him and my friend thought that he must be a “kill”; an alpha male kind.

Fast-forward, few weeks later and my friends ask how the supposed boyfriend is.

Me: boyfriend?…just never mind😏😏😏

What this says is that I said yes to the man without really thinking about my purpose in life is. The trouble we are bound to make at times is settling because it looks cool to the detriment of your life long “mission”. Knowing what is vital for your life helps you to narrow down dating into a particular person who agrees to some degree with your life purpose and along the way you are able to be that helper as you both serve the Lord as a couple. Basically, he has a fire for God on a particular area of service, and you come on board to be a fuel to ignite that spark because you are carriers of analogous visions and together you become a raging fire for God in that particular area of calling. You see, if they aren’t rooted in Christ, dating them won’t change the person they are.  As such purposeful dating ensures that they love God before you commit to that relationship.

I have had from many ladies especially about a scenario where there was brother in the Lord who one day acts like you are the whole world to them but at other times you wonder if you are reading from the same script. The usual cry is the confusion of the uncertainty on whether they are interested or not.  Sad as it is, singles center on the confusion of intentionality and it makes the whole dating thing very difficult. Why? Because we are cultured to think it is all right to date with self-centered intent—without purpose, with no plan, and of course without deliberate acknowledgement and respect for the other person’s feelings, heart and emotions.

The culture today doesn’t help as it makes dating such a casual thing in a way that “ Oh, its Friday and I don’t have a plan, can we go down the movies, grab some coffee kind of thing”. This dating with selfish intent just to have a plan for the long weekend is what we need to shun as Christians. Dating because we feel lonely and crave connection with someone is wrong but rather should be a stepping stone towards a goal which is ultimately marriage.

So how then do we safeguard ourselves and others?

Paul writes to Young Timothy in the First letter 5:1-2 exhorting us to treat older men as fathers, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity and members of the opposite sex as brothers and sisters in Christ. We treat them all equally; but when dating someone, then you have to treat then especially different for them to know that they are not just a sister or brother in the Lord but someone worth pursuing destiny together. That they are special and you value the person uniquely and aren’t unwilling to make your stand known.

•   Discover yourself first. Learn things about you and define your purpose for life. This will help you to know what you want.
•   On dating, take the pressure to rush things. You see the way they say a ladies mind can in two minutes rush from the coffee, to engagement, wedding and matrimony, boot out that pressure. Focus on nurturing friendships and getting to know people first.
•  For brothers, a huge step would be to define the relationship beforehand and leave no room for confusion.

I will end by saying this. “Dating without a purpose is like simply practicing for a divorce.”

Love,

Sisters’ Keeper.
#TrippleS103
#ThoughtfulThursday

On chatting Hook-ups, Break-ups and Check-ups … Say No Honorably

For an unmarried person, hook-ups is one subject that remains noteworthy. Men are visual beings, they are attracted first to what they see and this explains why you may end up having several guys ‘hitting’ on you every other time. Sometimes it is the wrong kind of men; I mean married ones, non God fearing ones, and other times it could be those in the household of faith.

So, now you are here and that wrong guy has been sending vibes but you are already certain that you are not walking down that lane, how you tell them off. He is a married man as you later find out or he is just a brother in the Lord but after a few interactions you realize that despite him being amazingly great, your mission doesn’t seem to interweave with his vision?

You see, a man may be a lover of God and by all means good but that doesn’t imply that you two can be equally yoked. In as much as relationship with God is the core factor, you enter his life to be a helper towards that vision that you can somehow fit into. You are deeply convicted that you want to serve God as a missionary in Somali for instance and this brother or sister is okay being a banker at CBK and doesn’t really see himself anywhere in Mogadishu unless it’s a vacation and both you and I know that no one packs their bag to go to Mogadishu for a holiday unless it is home that you are going to. 

See, you don’t hate this brother or sister but what really makes your relationship strenuous is the fact that you do not have a common vision that you can help each other towards in the course of life. So how then do you turn him down but still not make him feel that he aint good enough for you? Create time, listen to him, he also has a heart and probably that brother was/is genuinely in love. Be nice and grateful that he has love for you in his heart; tell him that it’s unfortunate that you are not able to return that kind of love to him. I know you may be tempted to act irrationally, cold and harsh especially when you found out something amiss like the case of him dragging you along before you realize he is married.

In saying no honorably, the fellowship especially with the brother in the household of faith will not be strained. By making them understand why you say no will make it easy for them to let go. It’s respectful for both sides to end things amicably and hurts less. Sisters, be nice even in saying No and ask God for grace to bear with the other party in love.

Breakup sucks. As someone says, in all the cases, you are either the windshield or the fly and when you are the fly, it breaks you completely. But sometimes, when you are the one initiating, you are the windshield and someone who happens to be the fly is left utterly shattered.  When you are the fly, cry, cry and vent out to people that care. Pray for God to heal you, let go the other party and allow not anger and bitterness to sap your life.  Forgive. Accept apologies that you never got and forgive. Forgiveness frees you. Find strength in God. Take all the tiny pieces to the potter, and ask Him to mend your broken pieces, to break you down and make a whole beautiful she. When you are the windshield, pray for God’s wisdom to break up in a smooth transition, wisdom for what to say and how to say in a closure meeting; even pray together if you can and release him in peace,don’t crush a brother and be a stumbling block for ministry or body of Christ. Pray for his peace too even after releasing him in a kind way.  That God will heal them. 

Now, I know you loved him so much, but you were the fly and the receiving end is often not glamorous. In the midst of letting reality sink, his life is moving on, and seemingly paradise while you continue to dine at the horrifying gate of hell. Sometimes the temptation to reach out is real. He still is your friend in all the social media pages and frequently or maybe occasionally you find yourself checking up on his profile…Red flag, he is living his life and as Ed Sheeran sings “ Happier” indeed his profile says he looks happier without you.  What an injustice you do to yourself here, please, do not check-up on your ex. I know it hurts sometimes but you have to block them if you have to for that healing to come, snooping only triggers memories that will put you at the drawing board. When you are vulnerable and want to snoop, talk to your accountability partner and above all pray for strength from God to pass through valley.

#TrippleSbegins

#TrippleS102

From my heart to Yours,

Sisters' Keeper.

Insecurity & the Lady in "Waiting"... Tripple S 101

INSECURITY

“Then he said ”May you be blessed of the lord my daughter. You have shown your last kindness to be better than the first by not going after young men whether poor or rich. Now my daughter, do not fear, i will give to you whatever you ask, for all the people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence” Ruth 3:10-11

Ruth being single, young and widowed definitely must have had experiences of longings for the warmth of a husband especially after having gone through that kind of fellowship before. Despite her circumstances, she chose to live in victory over the desire to hunt for a man and instead of going for the boys; she sat still and let God bring her prince to her. A lady in waiting she was and a lady of security indeed.

I have had a friend who had stayed for long in singlehood but finally got married at the age of 34years. It is not easy for such girls/ladies especially in a society where some people are experts in counting for you your biological clock! I am passionate about counseling and it has driven me to dig deeper in books and from people about ladies and singleness.

The big question that perhaps will feature in this series recurring is …why is it that most women experience difficulty being still and waiting for the man to come over and initiate things? And the answer is INSECURITY…

An insecure woman has her world centered on something which in most cases is marriage or something which is getting that Mr Right that can be lost or taken away. Truth is insecurity keeps a woman from enjoying the consistent joy even within a relationship context because a man cannot provide security; only God can. And it’s for this reason that Tripple S…Single, Saved & Secure Series is going to run. I have been insecure many times, forcing myself to call and get attention from guys I felt were the ones’ but I it only made it worse. You hold your phone and find excuse as to why they haven’t returned your email, you try to justify their behavior and lack of interest therein and you pump up yourself, get that airtime and call only for them to pour mockery on your face with the "will call you back" and that is the end of the story. They never do and you feel so bad about yourself. So I know what am talking about...it robs one of joy completely.

What insecurity does is cause you to cling into a relationship that aint even working because it makes you feel less confident without that man or woman by your side. When he is not with you, you live in fear that perhaps, he will not come back home to you or call again. You want him to make a commitment so that you can be sure of not losing him. You crave for all of his attention forgetting that before you both came to the picture there were still others who were already there like the family. Then all of a sudden, all your dreams, desires, goals and vision revolve around him. Have a life darling, live like today was your last so that if God forbid you die tomorrow, we can say that she lived her life to the fullest. Don’t wait for a man to come around for you to live out that dream, when he comes then you will know how each of you will fit into the others dream. 

Unfrotunately, it is such kind of insecurity that brings about jealousy that makes you lose your confidence when he looks at another woman as old as your grandma. You will want to know his plans and how he spends s every second of his day and with whom he/she spends with. You don’t want him to be around other equally attractive women because you feel threatened. Sadly, this is what insecurity turns you to be like.

The deepest of our longings as I shared before can never be satisfied by any created thing. Only God can.

Insecurity is a poison that fills the relationship with frustrations and worry and you begin thinking that” You can’t live without him or her and so them, you start making schemes of how you can keep him to yourself.

A lady in waiting is a lady of security that knows that the one thing to do is to turn and surrender the business of looking for a guy to God” We are told than no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Focus your energies to obedience to Christ rather than trying out to nail the man on your own. God has His own methods of bringing the two of you together. Be careful, He doesn’t need your help or opinion on the same.

And Like Elisabeth Elliot say, the most often questions you can ever be asked by single ladies who have strong longing to be married always is

What can I do to get him notice me? She says this

NOTHING. Don’t do anything for the man, don’t call him, don’t write a little note with smiley face or a flower or that crazy thing in your mind and hid it in his cabinet or mailbox. Don’t slide up to him in the hallway and gasp” I’ve just got to talk to you “  Don’t ignore him, don’t pursue him, don’t do him favors that you can’t do to others and don’t talk about him. Just DO NOTHING.

In summing up on extending favors, just don’t do to a brother that which you can’t do to a sister.

Learn to sit still

Resting in His will

Confident to abide

With Him by my side

Resisting manipulation

Waiting only for His stipulations (JMK) by becoming a lady of security

Thanks to a book by Jackie Kendall & Debbie Jones

P/S: Stay put for the new series dabbed "Tripple S"...Single, Saved & Secure. Its gona be as real as they come and a moment of learning and sharing our unique experiences 

Cheers,

Sisters' Keeper