Dating a younger man,Should age matter?

I couldn’t do this write up for obvious reasons that someone might think I am speaking about them. I asked a friend to do it for me instead.  What is the fuss about dating a younger guy? Based on my experiences, I would have taken a totally different stand altogether. So he looks me in the eye and says, Babe, Falling for you was like taking an afternoon nap. I had promised myself that it will just be a brief sleep with one coffee we had but as soon as I fell, I was dreaming.  I know I’m not supposed to love you. I’m not supposed to care, living my life wishing you were here. I am not supposed to wonder where you are and what you are up to. But I can’t help it. I fell in love with you.” Sweet words, heart melting but still, it were a no. Was it because of age? 30 % yes and 70% No. why? There is more to saying yes to a proposal than just age. Anyway, my good friend Stella Rop shares some interesting thoughts on the subject here for triple S Series

“A

ge ain’t nothin’but a number...” an old song I used to like goes.

But is it?

I don’t know why it is that most of us ladies hope to end up with an older man. Perhaps we imagine the extra years on this earth will have helped him gain some wisdom (not a bad thing!) or ‘get serious’ with his life and career so that he can be that Provider when the time comes for us to say ‘I do’. 

So here comes a chap you well know is younger than you, chasing you, calling you, looking for excuses to meet with you and hinting at a courtship and you’re asking yourself, “Haka kako serious lakini?!”  (Is this little one even serious?) He could be two or three or even five years younger than you. Maybe his older siblings were your classmates in school and you fear being labelled a ‘cradle snatcher’. Maybe your over-active imagination has already shown you a future where, when he is fifty, people will be mistaking you for his mother! Maybe you keep telling him things like “You remind me of my little brother” or even “Why don’t you find someone your own age to disturb?” in a bid to discourage him. Perhaps you and your girlfriends have enjoyed endless rounds of laughter making fun of this young man, even though you’re secretly flattered by his interest. But why dismiss someone because of his age? 

The primary thing to look out for is a man who is walking with the Lord- and remember God can save one at age 8, 28 or 88. Salvation is not like the KCSE exam, which can only be done in Form Four! Supposing the younger man pursuing you is already walking with the Lord and growing in his faith, bearing visible fruits of this relationship with God, then ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is he mature?

Maturity is not a direct result of age. There are young, mature people out there, just as there are older, immature people. Look at his speech, his thoughts, the people he associates with and the way he lives his life. Does he have direction in his life? Is he ready and able to bring someone else into his life? Before you dismiss him so fast, realize that he may have a thing or two to teach you. After all, though wisdom increases with age, it is not necessarily withheld from the young: If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:5)

2. Are we pursuing the same things in life?

Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?  (Amos 3:3)

This is a far more important question to answer than someone’s age. You hear of many couples who break up saying, “We drifted apart” or “We don’t want the same things any more,” which means each was pulling in the opposite direction. If the two of you generally have goals for your lives that align, your relationship stands a far better chance of surviving and thriving.   

3. Can we be friends?

Of course, you cannot marry your enemy! Any good relationship is built on the foundation of friendship. Sister, if this young man shows some promise in the ‘potential mate’ department, why not give him a chance? You may not agree to date him straight away but you could start by becoming his friend. Take the chance to get to know him in a non-romantic way, and you will learn a lot about him. It’s always refreshing to hang out with someone who has a different perspective of life from yours. Get to know his inner circle of friends, his hobbies and so on, as he learns the same about you. You could end up gaining a friend— and mate—for life, or on the other hand you could discover the two of you are about as compatible as oil and water. Either way, you won’t have wasted your time.

We ask God to give us good spouses, and indeed He does, because He is the provider of every good gift (James 1:17). However, we cannot dictate the terms and conditions of these gifts, because our Father gives us what He knows is best for us. Before you dismiss him, look twice at that younger man. Are you shying away from him because it is ungodly, or are you worried about what people will think? Reflect on that and remember, Watasema sana, lakini usiku watalala.”

Piece by Stella Rop,

For Tripple S 120

Is it true that you want to date Jesus and not a Jesus Disciple?

Is it true that you want to date Jesus and not a Jesus Disciple?

No and Yes. No because, we just want to see the radiance of Christ in your life brother; Even just a little ray giving a glimpse of the Jesus in you. You see, when you have been called to be an inxusa (Zulu word for ambassador), you represent that person, nation and in this case Christ by showing a reflection of Him in your life. Generally, we would expect you to have a thing that tells of the person you represent. The same way the hands that give roses always have fragrance of it left kind of thing. All we want is to smell the scent that an encounter with Jesus left. And yes, it’s the fruits you bear that testifies of the Christ you profess. We don’t want the verbatim declaration of Jesus is Lord.  For verily, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 7:21)

Yes because sadly, some of us are aiming for perfection from imperfect brothers. As I have written many times, women need to find completeness in Christ. It is incorrect to go out with the mentality of perfection. It’s not alright to expect a man to satisfy all your longings, complete you, make you happy etc. Is he your Jesus or a prototype of Jesus? And if he is an idol of Jesus, then what is the Real SON OF God expected to fulfill in your life? Wisdom is accepting a brother with his flaws and strength. Endeavor not for perfection but working out with someone who is striving for perfection as we both look up to Jesus, our perfect example. Honestly, no matter how organized a guy is, at some point you will be disappointed with each other. He will disappoint you. You will disappoint him. He will act contrary to your expectations and so will you.

If you are a “Ruth”(one who desires marriage) to a potential “Boaz”(Mate) stop behaving like a “Delilah”(archaeologist)!

 A delilah is a relentless digger. She finds out every flaw about the potential suitor and decides that saying yes to this will be settling for less. The first suitor was not financially endowed. The second had macho issues. The third one was addicted to his gadget didn’t give me attention. Well, I am an introvert and I love quality time and attention. However, I will be very wrong to assume I am flawless. There are times I wouldn’t answer my calls even from a very special person; Not because I didn’t hear or the number is unknown. But rather, I just felt a mess and had exhausted my radiation saturation for the day as someone close likes to say. Of course that is insensitive to the other party especially if you are very tight but tagging me as moody and focusing on that occasional meanness may end up seeing you lose the big picture about me. Trying to dig out the flaws on another and forgetting yours is nothing close to godly.

Ask all this married people and see. There is always a place of compromise and that is when love covering the multitude of sin (weakness) comes in . “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8) If she is a spendthrift and your area of strength is economics, then help cover that weakness. What I am saying is this, before you get too picky and antagonistically judgmental; remove the plank in your eyes before pointing on the others speck.

 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?( Matthew 7:3)

Stop finding imperfections with everyone. The faults will be there but get one that you can extend grace and help cover. For verily I say, you will not find perfection expect in Christ. All of us have flaws and in need have grace. We all need a Savior.

So yes, don’t settle for someone who has nothing that tells of the Christ they profess. Jesus Himself says that you will know them by their fruits. And the fruit of the Holy Spirit is Love, Peace, Joy, forbearance, Goodness, Kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.(Galatians 5:22). But also don’t say no to the entire camp of brothers because you did not like a thing or two about them. We will marry Jesus in eternity but if we want marriage for the world, I guarantee you we can only marry His disciples.

Yours Truly,

Sisters' Keeper

Tripples119

Praying for a spouse…

Anything to do with the beach excites me. I love the tranquility of the beach in the early mornings. The sensation that the rising sun leaves as it strokes my face. So on one particular occasion when I was feeling down, I booked a vehicle and off I cruised to the beautiful Kenyan coast. Precisely, Kilifi.

In such times, I pray. I write letters to God. I write my fears to Him and express my truest and raw emotions to Him. With my letters nicely folded, I trudge along the beach. The cool sensation refreshing me as my feet kisses the wet sand and the breeze caresses my nostrils. Other times it is evenings; with the sunset glowing orange reflections over the waters. I find a calm spot. I meditate. I read my letters aloud. Smile. Sometimes cry if it’s a sad one. Then I pray and tore them throwing the pieces into the waters… (Don’t shoot me, I know it messes the ocean but at least its biodegradable right?) This time, I had written my prayer for a spouse on it. I wrote many things about what I wanted in that man. Most of it about the unrealistic expectations we normally have. I told God what I wanted, anyway. 

Fast forward …With time and grace to grow some more in Him, I realized that sometimes we are wrong. I was wrong.   We see a brother who seemingly has it all and we pray with insistence that God gives us him.  We even pray by the man’s name. We insist that he has to be the one. We forget that God knows the plans that He has for us. Good plans to give us a hope and a future. Then we decide on exactly what we want.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

He doesn’t withhold any perfect or good gift from us. Like a daddy who loves us, God yearns to protect us. He already sees the future that you and I can’t visualize and sometimes holding that darling fiancé from you is to your good. Unfortunately, because He has given us free will, He cannot protect you from yourself if you decide to pursue a relationship or course which He has spoken to you against.

Grace changes things. And as David Platt wrote and said, “God's] gift of grace involves the gift of a new heart. New desires. New longings. For the first time, we want God. We see our need for him, and we love him. We seek after him, and we find him, and we discover that he is indeed the great reward for our salvation. . . . [W]e are saved to know God. So we yearn for him".  Grace changed my perspective.With time, I realized that I have been making some rather selfish prayers on matters spouse. 

Few things I learnt when it came to praying for Him: 

·         Give thanks in all things for this is the will of God for us.

“In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

It’s hard to be thankful when you feel that God doesn’t care about your desires. However, we should learn to thank God for singlehood opportunity to praise Him, to cultivate our faith and above all else to grow in our dependence on Him. Give thanks for the things you most want Him to change. Give thanks for the strong desire for marriage He has put into you. And talk to Him.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:6–7). Present your desires to Him, with the humility of supplication and crown it with thanksgiving.

·         Desire for His Will.

When Jesus teaches the disciples the Lord’s Prayer, he says when you pray say “Let your Kingdom come, let your will be done…” It is not about praying for what you want but what God’s will is for you.

When Samuel goes to anoint the sons of Jesse’ He sees one and in his heart feels that this must be the one but what happens. God quickly rebukes him saying.” "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 His will is not necessarily what we want.

So now, what if God answers your prayers differently? Then lo and behold stands the man but the package is not what you really want? Praying for His will to be done makes Him able to transform the desires of your heart to align with His. When your desire becomes congruent with His, you’ll be satisfied with the package as it comes. Why? Because, marriage then becomes bigger than you; it becomes a reflection of God’s bigger picture of the love of Christ and His church. We may never get to understand this with our limited minds, but the Holy Spirit makes it possible through revelation  to grasp it in our spirits and confidently pray like Jesus at Gethsemane "Yet not my will Father, but Thy will be done."

The whole point of prayer really is to grow in our relationship with the maker. The more we talk and listen, the more God opens our eyes to discern His will for. And nothing beats a heart that has perceived the Fathers will and is willing to obey. In essence then as we grow closer to Him, our desires shift from what we want to what He deems best for us. Our desires like Joseph become to honor Him and walk in His leading.”… How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?"(Genesis 39:9).

After you’ve prayed to God to find a husband, then trust Him completely. Don’t worry about the when will he show up, where is he or how will you meet him. Trust God. Psalms 27:13-14) David says ^“I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

It is okay to be afraid sometimes and wonder if the right one will pop up. We are human. But whatever happens, don’t let that fallacy of shortage of men replace your faith with fear. One thing you should be confident of is this, that if it is God’s Plan that you be married someday, you will be married.He who began the good work in you will bring it into perfect completion…not necessarily end result being marriage but perfect glory in His Son.

Submit and let God begin to take charge.
Yours Truly,

Sisters’ Keeper.
#TrippleS118

Single, Saved but Wanting the “Forbidden Apple” ...

Now, I struggled writing this response shared with someone after a key question arose on my writings. I struggled because; this is one sensitive area to talk on and probably a taboo in an African culture. Secondly, it’s a volatile subject and we easily condemn, judge harshly and declare any single person who admits to desiring sex a purgatory tenant. Because admonition is best understood through sharing our lives I will begin by saying this.

 In the quest of honoring God, sometimes my physical drives stood so strong. Other times I despaired. In a sex-saturated culture, intense battle for purity-not about virginity because anyone can make a resolve for it- seemed impossible. Many times, the battle against temptation seemed in vain. It was a constant reminder that honestly, there is nothing good in me apart from the Lord. It brought an end to self and hopefully absolute-(not yet there) reliance on Him (Psalms 16:2). I experienced a vulnerability that drains self-pride because I cannot boast in my own strength, it is God who sustains and without His grace, I would lose the battle terribly. 

If you have never reached a point in life where you beat your cushion, question your pursuit, cry out in distress; perhaps even scream when the carnal man seemed too strong for your will to fight yet another day, then you are probably super-special.

So, a friend X in a conversation asked and I quote:

 ” I love reading the write ups on Tripple S. It is such a timely piece. The inspiration and encouragement drawn in there is amazing. I love the Lord; I truly desire to honor Him with my total self, (body, mind, spirit). Sometimes though, I really want to get down so desperately and the temptation is so real. On those moments, being with my boyfriend around is not such a good idea. I feel vulnerable and just want it. How best do we deal with this especially when you have intentionally chosen to honor God? Is it okay that I am thinking about sex so much?”

My response

First, I need us to understand that the sexual desire of the unmarried person is good. It is holy, and is part of the shining creation of the image of God. It is not something to be ashamed of. (1 Corinthians 7:9). It’s normal to have sexual desires which eventually propel you towards marriage, which God by all means endorses. Many are quick to quote to the unmarried the above verse, advising them to marry instead of burning with passion but I will not suggest that. Why, because it takes more than cooling the ‘burning’ for marriage to work.  ‘Burning’ in itself is a legitimate sexual desire among the unmarried but not necessarily a prelude to eventual marriage.

 In this article http://lizzieadisawrites.blogspot.co.ke/2017/08/celibacythe-struggle-is-real.html, I shared about the unique challenges on the celibacy path and the glory therein. That, choosing to honor God with the wait is both an opportunity for sanctification and sharing in Christ’s suffering.It is no sin to think about sex. Neither is the sexual drive something to be ashamed of. In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth…and everything that God created was good. Sex being a part of God’s creation is definitely a good thing that He intended to be enjoyed in the confines of the institution of marriage. Genesis 1:27-28 says:

 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, both male and female, He created them. God blessed them and said to them,” Be fruitful and increase in numbers and fill the earth and subdue it."

Sex is to be enjoyed and full of pleasure among the married couple who are male and female. Proverbs 5:18-19 charges the married man:   ” May your fountains be blessed and may you rejoice at the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-may her breasts satisfy you always, may you be captivated by her love”. This is how wonderful it is supposed to feel.

When the urges threaten to break you apart, transfer that desire to Christ. Tell Him, “This is how it is but Lord Jesus, my greatest desire is for You.”

• ·         Pray that God will multiply His grace for the season. Ask him to give you a heart that will long for Him more than anything else. Like the Psalmist writes (Psalms 42:1), as the deer pants for the waters…so your soul should long for Him. Listen to songs and be encouraged that to added afflictions, He addeth His Mercy, to multiplied trials, His multiplied peace https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o63If7p-Z6E … His love has no limit at all. (Romans 8:38-39)
• ·         Be careful of what you feed your mind on and avoid unnecessary stimulation. You see, I once shared on the series about the charge to daughters of Zion not to awaken love until its time http://lizzieadisawrites.blogspot.co.ke/2017/07/do-not-awaken-love-until-it-so-pleases.html . The movies, series, video games featuring seductive female looking characters, books and music we choose can sometimes stir that stimulation. Be intentional about avoiding them. Make a covenant with your eyes to turn away from worthless things as Job did (Job 31:11). It saves you a lot of trouble as an unmarried person. The sad reality is that we belong to a culture where even hardy and robust automobile  tyres that traverse the rough terrain of Africa are advertised by a semi-clothed ‘yellow-thighed female’ in the name of sexual appeal. It’s everywhere.
• ·         Solitude is good for reflection but don’t spend too much time alone. Be in fellowship with others. Share and encourage each other. Be accountable to someone else. Speak out your troubles. Keeping to yourself will only make you think that the struggle is just unique to yourself. A healthy fellowship with trust and openness will show you that you are not alone. You will draw strength from others who have walked that path. You will appreciate that no temptation has seized you except that which is common to man and God is faithful. He provides an escape from the temptation. Temptation is not wrong or sinful but rather yielding to this sexual temptation is what is sinful (1 Corinthians 10:13).
• ·         Stay busy. Strive by all means to be found doing something. The As the old saying goes an idle mind gives the devil a free playground. Work. Serve in church, ministry. Go to school. Do business. Visit others. Go for missions. Whatever. But just don’t be idle. It is difficult for sexual temptation to gain foothold when you are busy accomplishing other tasks. Choose to be involved in activities and events that have virtue. Is it just? Is it right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it noble? Is it of good report? If it is, then pursue it (Philippians 4:8).
• Finally, Grace.

¹¹ For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, ¹² teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, ¹³ looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ,(Titus 2:11)

P/S: Feel free to share your thoughts for the body of Christ to be edified.

Yours Truly,

Sisters’ Keeper

#Triple S 117