That was a Divine Exchange…

A couple of months ago, it didn’t make sense for Steph. All she felt was hurt, raw pain and endless anger. How could it even be? It must be a bad dream; a nightmare that jerks your muscle in the deep of the dark. The mare that leaves you wheezing for breath or your chest heaving out intermittently because you dreamt tripping from  a steep cliff into a massive deep gathering of waters. That was just about how frustrating it could get. From hurt, to betrayal, to unprecedented aches, to ruined family ties, to tainted perception and to occasional misunderstanding! Stephanie got lost in all those. She lost herself into the very epitome of her pain. They say home is where the heart is and hers was no longer in her. It belonged with him. That’s all she knew.

Then one day, something happened. Everything changed. The hands that touched with such gentleness felt like talons of falcon, the eyes that gazed and gave her a snapshot of heaven, scared her into her skin…Never the same again.

She was separated from her heart. She felt ripped off like a surgeon digging and diffusing his scalpel into her epidermis without inducing an anesthesia. It took long for the wound to heal. It left indelible scars and marks; Marks that she will not necessarily get rid of. Marks that will somehow remind her of the immense battle that brought her where she is today; Marks that will remind her that the entire experience was purely a Divine Exchange!

“That sometimes, God intentionally removes people and things from your life. He does whatever it takes to

Hush my darling...hush

separate you from things that will cause you to make the greatest mistake of your life. And in other instances, the very separation appears to be like rejection, loss and uncomprehendable setback in humanly perspective.

That when you trust God, He opens your heart and enlightens the eyes of your understanding and you realize this very thing; That it is all for your collective good, a good cause. The realization that the separation was a divine exchange births new dawn and you realize that trying times is not necessarily a pain; you end up seeing the silver lining by the dark clouds, the streak of hope where your tomorrow begins. And somewhere at a distance, though vaguely you hear it. My love…yes, my love beckons…hush my baby. The voice calls…hush my baby and it dawns on you that rain is beautiful. You are ready to join that voice and dance in the rain, get soaked, together, together.

That hush my baby echos; the Rainbow in my clouds. Glowing.  Radiant.”

So don’t cry, don’t be angry, don’t be bitter and don’t give up. There is hope. That was a Divine Exchange! Give thanks instead, for the beautiful exchange. God couldn’t just let you get lost with the three things that destroy utterly…Pride of Life, Lust of the eyes, Lust of the Flesh that you had given one adjective; excitement. He will not.

He says in Isaiah 60.17 “Instead of  Bronze ,I will give you Gold, and Silver in place of Iron; Instead of Wood I will bring you Bronze and Iron in place of Stones. I will make peace your governor and well-being your ruler.” Such a beautiful exchange! And as He reminds us in Zechariah 9:12 “Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.”

He will give double for your trouble!!!Seek Him therefore, for He is a rewarder of them that are diligent about seeking Him…

Divine Exchange that was!

Letter to My Almost Lover That Never Was!

 

“Hands that could never touch;

Lips that will never meet,

The Almost Lovers, that were never to be.”

We connected so well. Somehow, he knew what to say to me and when to say it. I was utterly convinced beyond doubt that he is my rib, my soul mate, my other half and all there synonyms. The first time we had a conversation, the moment he opened his mouth to speak, I knew I would say yes to his proposal. The accredited Queens accent left me with an eclectic smile that accentuated my slender face. I fell in love with that accent too. I remember sharing with my gf and all I could say was “ men….that accent, wow, I think am in love” and my friend would go something like, “I wanna hear that killer accent myself “.

Over 4000miles across the Atlantic or was it the Mediterranean we battled the distance. We talked every day for over half an hour despite crazy time difference of up to 6 hrs. depending with the season. I would stay late to have our Skype calls. He would wake up in the wee hours of the morning to be the first one to wish her princess a beautiful day. That made me realize we had loved with our all. A very supportive man who would do absolutely anything to ensure I am well. Didn’t dash on my dreams, he encouraged me, cherished me and above all loved me for me. He was one man who was so real with me that I felt comfortable even with a bad hair day around him. Yes, my boyfriend was the romantic type of guy; sending beautiful cute massages that I woke up to or slept on; A real cute hopeless romantic…lol.

Finally, the day came and I cruised to the airport to get my moochie. Lo and behold; there he was, handsome as I remembered. I didn’t need an alarm; I hurdled into his warm embrace; his strong masculine arms enveloping my shoulders reassuringly. My nostril deeply inhaling his cologne that will last in my memory many days later, maybe weeks and months. If only that moment could last for eternity. Being in his embrace felt like a safe haven; a little heaven down here on earth.

I remember the smell of his shampoo as he sat next to me in the set table. We had a beautiful dinner, chats, laughs and comfortable silence. But that was the furthest that we could go. We sat by each other after the dinner and chose to tell our love through comfortable silence. I remember sitting by his side in agony. He wouldn’t dare touch even my hands. I wanted him to turn to me and tell me things, to hold my hands and say that it was going to be okay. That it was a bad dream and our lives will be just fine. Instead, he just held his gaze unto mine. I saw hurt and brokenness in those eyes. How could we be so close yet so far away? It was one of those moments you don’t want to relive. So we let our eyes break the walls in our hearts and tell of our raw feelings of the sweetness and cruelty of that love we had fought to maintain.

I saw him off the airport again. I wasn’t prepared fully for the biggest blow that was coming. The goodbye… possibly saying goodbye and maybe for good; we sat by each other at the travellers lounge for long. I struggled to let go. My hands clung to his jacket as if to draw some strength from it. He admitted it’s difficult and I knew it was. It was time for his checking in and we called my taxi.

 Then I broke down again as I thought of this last hug am getting. That even if I am to be hugged by him again someday, it will never be the same again. Breaking down again, this time knowing that our happily ever after will never be. Few meters from where we had stood, I turned back, and there he was, still transfixed and standing still by the taxi window. For two seconds, I stared. Then i pulled down my window and waved him goodbye amidst teary eyes. I signaled to the cab driver and off we sped. He was gone and my life was beginning in a new slate altogether. The cab dropped me, and I disappeared into the dimly lit alley, towards my house.  The rains hit softly on my face, somehow washing my tears away. I dint even use the umbrella to cover my hair. I didn’t care about it anymore. My heart was marred with brokenness and I knew I have lost him. This time, forever…And had to deal with that.

He was a real good man and saying adieus was the hardest. Ours was a complicated story; he loved me, I loved him but it was not that simple. He was my baby, my moochie, my man. He made me love like I have never done, even as our dreams shattered into pieces, his love made me rebuilt my hope to love again. He showed me that there is true love out here…the greatest lesson ever drawn him.

And like my namesake, I will say “Though sorrow may have impeded my heart,
It was of great love to have known you.”
― C. Elizabeth

Valentines and the single lady…

“Love is a magical feeling and by all means  totally incredible! We long to be loved and enjoy the affection as human. However, as a modern day Ruth, I want you to know that you are complete in Christ, lacking in nothing. Yes, your singlehood is not and will not be a state of inadequacy. Never! That is a lie of the society and the trap of the enemy”

 “Phewks, it is here again🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 (Rolling eyes) and God knows I could do with some hibernation until the hype is over.” sulks Heav. “I just want to go to Mars”, she simply said. Well, it’s here with us again; that time where like my friend Heav, most single Christian ladies would wish that romantic love wouldn’t be overrated to an extent that you feel inadequate in your singleness. You know, that feeling like you have been away in Mars and missed half a century of life on earth that you need to catch up on. Falling in love and posting pix of you and yours become the in thing. That almost every update is about my Bae.💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Like Heav and many girlfriends who are bold enough to speak their hearts out, truth is, we feel out of place whenever February ticks and you realize, “damn, am gona be spending this valentine alone! “

Like any girl, we dread sitting by your office buried in work just to avoid the glamor around and excitement amongst most engaged chaps. Deep down, you also long for someone to call you late-night and tell you sweet nothings, falling asleep with someone’s voice being your lullaby. You know, that you too can leave work and be met with a coronet of roses from your bae, some random “I am thinking of you” texts or shared time of intimate dinner and affirmations of your love for each other! Sounds great, every normal girl’s fairy tale and fantasy I suppose. And sometimes the ache in your heart nags at you and reminds you of the love you used to have. Unfortunately, some nights you fall asleep with tears running down your face but you don’t let anyone know coz you trust in His promises.With Christ,life gets beautiful somehow like the ecstatic sunset over the Indian Ocean at Watamu.

Beautiful sunset in Watamu

They say all human being crave for love. We want to feel wanted and loved; to be told we are amazing; Pretty much normal but even crazier with women. Jane Austen writes “A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” This explains why I address the ladies in this piece. Well, this Valentines, I too will be alone. Ouch the thought of it already sucks but that’s just the way it is, lol. I would appreciate roses, maybe a simple cake from Caffe deli or perhaps some chocolate, hold hands with someone special and just feel nice…hehehe but I guess after a normal day at work, I will head home.  In my comfortable bath robe, I will be strumming my guitar and guzzling steamy coffee as I sing hymns that remind me that am loved by God so deeply” Walking in faith is great. Instead of feeling empty, I will be experiencing the power of God’s love envelope me as I sing lyrics of deep hymns like

I stand in the Garden alone, when the dews are still on the roses,

And the voice I hear, falling on my ears,

The son of God discloses,

And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me that I am His own,

And the joy that we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known.

Such overwhelming words of assurance and pure undefiled love; A Fathers love, a friend’s love, a saviors love, the God kind of love that last for eternity. The love which I can only define with one adjective, unconditional!  That love that Paul the Apostle prays we experience.

Ephesians 3 “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

A little wading in the waters

That love; pure bliss for anyone whose eyes have been opened to the love of God, the unadulterated love

You may say that I am lonely but I will say it’s not true. I possibly could be overwhelmed by feelings of aloneness but certainly not lonely. I know for a fact it could be more beautiful with a fleshy and I mean a man’s fellowship with warmth and physical conversation but that is not to say I am lonely. It’s possible to be alone and not lonely. He is there with me. Late into the night as stars make their grant entrance, I sing and make music unto Him and I feel His invisible hug around my shoulders. His silent affirmations of love incomparable; Love that protects, love that shields, love that comforts, love that forgives, love that heals, love that rejoices, love that feels all voids, love that fades not, Love unconditional.

He reminds me that” For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity dwells in bodily form. 10And you have been made complete in Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority”; that in Christ I am complete lacking in nothing and that is peaceful enough.

The season of romantic love in the air cannot and should not elevate the mindset of inadequacy as a single Christian lady. I am blessed and complete.

Madafu time

Pretty much, I may be indoors missing the company of Bae but in all sense feeling complete inside. The feeling of having someone share your life, excitements, joys and fears is great and I am definitely eager about that experience. However, am equally glad am complete in Christ even in his absentia. When he comes, then he will compliment me. I will be thrilled to stay late into the night talking to him, I will be excited to hear him call me his chere’ and certainly will enjoy the new season with another adult who is not my family becoming a priority all of a sudden and hopefully, I will in effect be jolly to say I do to him and give my beautiful smile to the crowd as my daddy walks me down the aisle towards the lucky guy..lol.

Boardwalk at Mida Creek

Meanwhile, let’s do something unique like going horse racing down in Karen. Touch the dews, smell the roses and enjoy yummy creamy cake. It can be a good interest to pick instead of feeling lost in the Feb love hype.

Love God, love self, love others and before you know it, love will come knocking at the door. Girlfriends in God, you are not inadequate in your singlehood.

Yaay, love is in the air, great feeling indeed. Hope for the best, love unconditionally, wishing you love by the next fall so that you too can knot at Panary Anga Sky with yours, munching popcorn and critiquing a movie at the cinema with that “Boaz”.

Meanwhile, love your life, you are complete in CHRIST! Plus that means wearing ugly PJs and sleeping in the middle of the bed!yaay

From my heart to yours

Happy Love month pips!!💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓